The Best Advice I've Gotten

Below is an email that I got recently from Aditi, one of my best friends.  This came at just the right time for me, when Wyatt and I were in the middle of a couple of really bad days and I was just about ready to throw in the parenting towel (so to speak).  I think that this is especially good for any new mom to read, because one thing that I have figured out since Wyatt was born is that it's important to be the best parent you can be for your child.  And each child is unique, so parenting will be different from parent to parent, so comparing yourself to other moms and babies doesn't get you anywhere.  That being said, I do think its important to speak honestly about the good and the bad times of motherhood.  This blog is a tribute to the good times I have with Wyatt, but there are rough days (and nights) when I don't think he will ever fall asleep or when I am so tired that all I want to do it cry (and usually do end up crying) or when he's peed on three successive clean diapers (and all over himself and the changing pad and the third pair of pajamas).  Basically, I think it's important to acknowledge that motherhood is hard.  In fact, it is harder than anything I've ever done before.  And most importantly, even though all babies and parenting situations are unique, there are some universal truths that moms need to hear so that they know they aren't alone in this whole crazy thing.  One other thing, I really do believe, as cheesy as it sounds, that it takes a village to raise a child and as you can see I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends like Aditi (and so many others) in my village giving me the love and support that I need!

hon,

i have to say that you are now officially in the throws of new motherhood. it's exhausting and intense. emotions are everywhere...that's why they call the first 2 weeks the honeymoon period :)

i HIGHLY recommend you get "the girlfriend's guide to the first year". it's a life saver. 

i had a few friends tell me how hard this was going to be, but i thought that their kids must've been difficult..didn't realize it's a universal experience! I remember at the beginning you were convinced you had the easiest baby in the world...we all thought the same thing. and then it gets bad. and there seems to be no end in sight. but there is. i promise. just when you think you simply can't function like this anymore, something will happen to make it a little better.

the sleep is bad. i don't want to lie to you. it's gonna get worse before it gets better. but it's gonna get better REALLY soon. wyatt is such a good baby - he's big and eats well and the bigger he gets, the longer he'll sleep. 

ananya is, and always has been, 3rd percentile in weight. imagine how long it took her to sleep! when other moms were getting 5-7 hours in a row of sleep in the 3rd or 4th month, that only happened to me in the 6th month. trust me, i understand what you're going through. 

you can do this. most importantly, you can do this. but you cannot do it alone. we were not meant to raise kids on our own. you need your husband, your mom, your mom in law, and all the help you can get. it's very very difficult work...but there IS light at the end of the tunnel, i promise. 

get someone to do all/most of the cooking. don't worry about the cleanliness of your house. try to take a shower every day. get some fresh air as often as possible. it's okay if wyatt cries a little..you don't have to be perfect, you just need to be present :)

and try your best to sleep when wyatt sleeps. it's the only way you'll even begin to catch up a little. on weekends/evenings, brian has to take over - as hard as his life is with work, yours is much much harder and overwhelming. get help on weekends - that's what parents are for (whether it's yours or his), or friends. 

here's what got me through:
1. i held/fed/soothed ananya as often as i felt like it. i didn't stick to any schedules or any rigid rules...
2. they say you can't spoil your baby or create any habits in the first few months. i believe that. so i held her while she slept during the day. i was so scared to put her down b/c she'd wake up, so i just held her and we'd both nap during the day. only when i felt like i had gotten a decent enough amoutn of sleep did i put her down and not hold her. and yes, in the mornings when pooneet would go to work, i would bring Ananya into bed and we'd try to squeeze an hour or two of napping in bed :)
3. the bouncy exercise ball saved us, as did the pacifier. our ped told us we could start using the paci after 1 mo and it was a life saver
4. ask for help. don't feel shy. 
5. don't put any pressure/expectations on yourself until around month 6 or 7. 

this is only temporary. it's brutal and bone-crushing and soul-sucking, but it's only temporary. he will start sleeping more and, from his size and how he eats, it's gonna happen soon! 

in the meantime, take all the pressure off, don't do things during the day that aren't necessary, and don't feel like you have to "enjoy this magical time in your life". it's not magical right now, it's a crapload of work. it gets magical once they start sleeping through the night :)

you can always call/email. i hope i don't sound too harsh, but i just think it's always better to know what's ahead of you. but if this isn't helpful, let me know what i can do - tell me if you want advice or don't want advice or want to hear the truth or just want to be told that it'll all be better soon. 

but it is true. it will be all better soon.

lots of love and hang in there!
aditi